Monday, April 11, 2011

A case of the Mondays

Every Monday I go to my office and mope about not being with my babies.  Don't get me wrong, they're monsters that I need to get away from sometimes.  But they're also sweet and silly and I just KNOW I'm missing something awesome by being someone in addition to Mom for several hours.

It's something I think I'll never completely come to terms with, the dichotomy of my current state of being.  I am both professional and parent.  Although it exists seemingly seamlessly in my male counterparts, all the lawyer mommies I know struggle with the guilt, the time constraints and to find a pair of nylons that isn't stuffed with toys or tied around a teddy bear's neck like a lasso.  Well, that last one might just be me...  And while I love my kids more than life itself, I know I'd never want to give up what I consider the "real" me for mommy me.  I guess I should just be thankful that someone paved the way for me to go to work and still have kids and stop expecting to find comfort in my dual life.

I feel a little like a double agent.  Inevitably when out on one of our weekend morning marathon grocery shopping trips, someone will give me the pitying look that is reserved for people with too many kids to handle, and offer to open the door, help me out with my purchase, take my cart, etc.  Once someone even offered to hold a kid for me.  I always laugh and say we're fine.  We are.  Don't these people know I fight battles for a living?  Kids?  Pshh, easy.  On the other hand, I go to work and listen with absolute understanding when parents talk about their battles with kids, with their spouses, with their finances...I always nod somberly and want to say, "I totally understand suffering.  I have a 2 year old and a 10 month old."  Okay, not the same, but I get chaos.  I get complicated.  I get feeling like you might actually fall asleep standing, as you're rocking a screaming 10 month old who is trying to grow so many teeth that you feel he should have been required to make you sign a waiver for engaging in this type of activity (mothering)...  Okay, that last one might just be me too.

While for the first time in my life I've found something I feel I am just naturally good at, I wonder if I'll ever feel completely settled in this life.  Perhaps it's perfection in chaos.  I'll never feel so content that I stop having to make effort and yet I got constant reaffirmation that I don't suck at life in the slobbery little kisses and the rare moment of quiet when I have completely fulfilled all of their needs.  The kids, not the clients.  The clients are never content and it would be an ethical violation for them to pay me in kisses.  Thankfully, the kid stuff always trumps the client stuff by the end of a Monday.

2 comments:

  1. This is eloquent and a great piece :)

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  2. I can relate oh-so-well!!!! Thanks for checking out my blog as well. Funny...today's was about my dual life. So fitting I stumbled upon yours!

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